Warning: Very Long, Not So Happy Post. Enjoy!

It's winter here in New England.  It's the time of snow piled high, forever encased in layers of ice and sand, until sometime in March when some unseasonably warm days will slowly start washing it away, layer by layer, until all we are left with is the dirt and grime of the street and a flattened Diet Coke can long forgotten in the driveway before that very first snow months ago.

It's the time when that pretty white blanket covers all of the hibernating grass and barren tree limbs, giving it that deceptively beautiful heavenly appearance, until you step outside to find your newly washed hair has instantly frozen solid from the -3 degree windchill and you have to actually check your lower extremities to ensure that yes, they are in fact still there, despite the fact that you can no longer feel them.

Unless, of course, it's 2011.  In which case there has been only one day of snow, totaling 8 inches, that was quickly washed away the following 50 degree day of rain.  The entire month of January spoiled us with 50 to 60 degree days, allowing me to only burn through one tank of propane the entire month.  February has brought a cold snap of 40 degrees, and every day that passes brings us 2 more minutes of glorious sunshine, and closer and closer to spring time, Easter candy, and all things summer.  Quite frankly, this winter has left us New England-ites with nothing to complain about.

So, it is with much confusion that I wonder why I feel as if I am fully enthralled in my traditional seasonal depression.  I am no stranger to this, as it happens every year.  I do many things to combat it.  Eat better, sleep more, develop routines, clean house, begin projects for focus, blah, blah, blah.  Seasonal depression and I are old friends.  He visits, I tolerate him from a distance, and then he packs up and moves on.  But this year, it has been magnified by so many other things.....

~  The autopsy report of my ex-husband arriving in the mail.  Seems it was an acute overdose of Seroquel and another depressant drug.  My current lack of knowledge, and failed Google search on how to read a toxicology report revealed that in fact, I have no idea how much an acute overdose is.  For all I know, he mistakenly took an extra dose of medication and swished it down with an ice cold Budweiser.  I could make out that he was not in fact even close to drunk at the time, which surprised me.  As if knowing that he died, a tragic accident of drowning himself in a half gallon of moonshine would have somehow made this any better, if and when the boys seek specifics on their father's death later in life.  I can say for certainty though, he didn't feel a thing, evident by the large quantity of Oxycodone, also present in his system, and that most likely he would not have survived more than a few more years as, at 39, his arteries were already 80% blocked.

There is something to be said about simply knowing too much, my pen pals.

Thing is, his death comes a week before we lost another extended family member.  One that had fought a life long illnesses and would have changed places with him in a heartbeat.  One that, regardless of how sick he was, still would have chosen to live.

I have had severe postpartum depression.  I have had thoughts of suicide in those horrendous moments of hormonal instability.  But some where deep inside, I knew it was wrong.  I knew there were people who needed me, who wanted me.  I knew my life mattered.  I just can't imagine being in a place where in my core, I didn't know that.

~  Our nephew has chosen his teenage love life over his academics.  He has, in his first semester of high school, surrendered  hockey and lacrosse scholarships to private high schools and prospective colleges of his choice, to his albeit, beautiful, Brazilian girlfriend. And, while we all understand this misguided rebellion, as we were all starry eyed young lovers once ourselves, the opportunities, even if they are reinstated, will never be the same.  And, I fear his goddess of choosing will not be standing by his side when he's flipping burgers at the local Steak and Fry.

~  My coworker, only last month given a clean bill of health and ready to come back to work after his battle with stage four lymphoma, was told over the last two days that they have found more cancer.  Add to this that the office is in general chaos, management contradicting the unions.  Substitute carriers are pitting against each other making working together extremely difficult, and once again, hangnails and hangovers are fast becoming viable reasons to not show up on Monday mornings.

~  Even my virtual world is not immune.  Melynda, my sista'  from across the states, has lost her vision, and despite the challenges, still manages to type out comments and posts.  Her strength and determination humbles me, and reminds me that I must take better care of my own Diabetes, so I do not travel the path she is on.  Although, I'm sure she'd make great company.

~  Shannon, one of my most faithful Pen Pals is battling her own special brand of Catstir, and all other horrible things that begin with the letter "C".  She is facing her battle donning a monkey-faced skull cap and cape, with confidence and slightly twisted humor. She is pulling strength from those around her, real and virtural world alike. This pooling of energy has left her focused on herself, in which I am happy, but also leaves her unable to write and enthrall me with stories of her bravery. I miss her.

There are other things too, stories which I do not wish to share here, that quite frankly, make me not want to leave the snugly warm covers of my bed. Coincidences, and situations, that force me to reevaluate my own choices and endeavors.

It's is supposed sink into the 20's tonight.  The weather men are talking about the possibility of snow as well.  Not more than a dusting, that is sure to be gone my daybreak.  My Sunday is already over scheduled, joyously filled with my Dad's 60th birthday party at noon, and then on to the super sized Football festivities of the evening.  Which of course, are magnified by the fact that it is "our" team playing. I want to do these things. I know I will have a good time, because of the people who will surround me.

But right now, all I want is clean sheets, a giant cup of cocoa, my Kindle, and a heating pad for my back.