The One In Which I Whine Like A Big Baby....

Okay, here's the thing.  I am blessed.  Really and truly blessed by the life that I have and all the wonderful people in my life.  I have not lost sight of that, nor am I discounting the amazingness of it all.  But, December has been a really tough month for me, and I'm just not in a really good place right now.  So, on Christmas Eve, when Tony looked at me and said "How'd ya make out with the regulars?" I wanted to throw up. 

Every day, I go to work, and while I am not the best in the office, I try.  I stay late, take extra pieces, cover what needs to be covered and help out in ways that go way above and beyond what's actually my job.  I have held down routes when people are out and ensure they come back to a cleaner route than when they left.  I write up the trucks so no one gets stuck out on the road the next day, and I never leave a truck without gas.  Honestly, there's probably only one other person at work that I can say does that as well.  One other person out of 15.

As a typical rule, the regulars can make excesses of $1,000 at Christmas time, in addition to gift cards and goodies.  Some share these thank yous from the road, and some do not.  That is fine, and it is their choice.  But weather they share a gift with the substitutes or not, most of the time there is at least a card exchanged or at the very least, a Thank You.

This year, I got one.  From another substitute carrier.  Honestly, until Tony said something, I hadn't even noticed.  But once I did, it ate a hole in my stomach.  Not because of the lack of gift, but becasue of all the extra I do, and it wasn't even acknowledged.  The holiday came and went, I stopped acting like a big baby and went into work, did JUST my job and went home. 

This morning, I found out that a bunch of the regulars had gone to another senior sub and pooled money for the carriers that have been bouncing around on all the routes.  He divided it up amongst them, and excluded the PTFs from the gifting as he would be taken care of by his primary route, and myself and the other girl would be taken care of by ours.  This would have been fine by me.... had he said a word. 

But he didn't.  And since the regular I sub for who was supposed to take care of me, didn't so much as utter Merry Christmas to me, I was left with not just feeling crappy, but with the feeling of the entire office confirming that I suck at my job.

Now, when two of the regulars who contributed found out I was cut from the list, they were furious. (Which is how I found out at all)   I've been told they are going to make it right, but honestly, it doesn't matter much now.  What's worse is the senior sub who decided what to do was supposed to be my friend. And, even though he did what I would have done, who was he to decide for me?

Add to this, that I am having a difficult time with my ex's demise.  Crazy, I know, but I am.  I'm not even sure if I can phrase this so anyone could understand, but here goes.  First, I am sad that he was that sad.  That he had lost sight of the good things in his life and was so depressed that there was no hope in sight.  I am sad that he had to lie to everyone to cover that up.  I am sad that he wasn't the man that he should have been to the boys, and that if he ever could have changed (although  highly unlikely), he can't now.

I know it was not my job to save him, fix his problems, or cover for him.

I know that if I had done anything different, the boys and I would have been in jeopardy, or worse, it could have been our ashes that were spread.

I KNOW that the kids lives will be better having gotten off the roller coaster.

I am incredibly pissed that he always got to take hiatus from parenthood.  That he never had to bear the responsibility of being a real parent.

I am scared that someday my kids will look at this time and hate me for some part of it.  Some way that I handled something, or someone, during this time.  That I didn't allow them to grieve enough, be sad, or remember him.  But in truth, they don't really want to do that.  They want to play and have friends over.  They wanted to go to school, to talk with their friends, and teachers.  They want things to be normal.

I am really scared that I am now the only parent.  Which I realize is not really different than before, but now it's official. Ya know?

And so, here I sit, in my funk.

It also doesn't help that I have three months of hormone crash coming on either.

I will be better tomorrow. 

Honest.

Do not worry, I'm fine, really, just in a funk is all.