Beauty And The Beast....

Behold the fair maiden...

She looks happy now, but in her castle lurks a deep dark secret.  There is a beast living down there, feeding off her wallet good will and treacherously guarding some precious secretive square footage territory.  But, never fear, this maiden has a plan. 

First, she must locate a handsome knight, minus the amour...

Next, she must convince him that defeating the beast will guarantee him rule of the new territory, bat her eyelashes, and promise to leave him in forvever indebted to her graces for years to come.  Once she has conned him into he has agreed to his quest, he must locate the beast, deep in the bowels of the fortress...

Then, whilst the Beast lays sleeping and unsuspecting it's demise, he donns his crappiest best sweats amour he wields his mighty saws-all sword. He frees it's claws from the walls it was feeding off for over 75 years.  With a mighty shove from his bulging biceps and thankfully not throwing out his back he banishes it to the deepest darkest part of her dungeon, for months on end hoping Beauty forgets all about it.   Broken from weeks of solitary confinement, the beast surrenders and Beauty is left to drain it's blood, drip by drip.  She let the blood steep, releasing all it's poisons and hazardous aromas into the air, until she can convince her neighbor she needs 45 gallons of heating oil, prepare the body.  There the Beast sits, an empty carcass of what it once was.

Working in pairs, the ancient ritual begins.  Similar to cow tipping Beauty pushes the body over and her Knight breaks off it's legs with one swift turn of the wrench move....

Now smaller and able to fit through the basement dungeon door, they argue over work together to determine the quickest way to vacate him from the premises.  He They decide on brute force, and push and shove the broken carcass out into the fresh air.  The sunlight and weather exposure start decaying the body almost immediately.  Left sitting in the lesser traveled parts of the forest, it is time to disembowel the Beast and see what's left inside. Already dead and no longer a threat to explode into flames her, Beauty wields the saws-all sword and with three additional backup swords, the Beast is cut....

Leaving it's insides exposed...

The dismembering process screeches to a halt as the sword begins to smoke from the heat of the still not quite dead Beast.  Two days pass as she waits for it's oil sludge guts to settle.  Just before dark, she finises the cut, removes the top and reveals the entrails of the Beast that robbed her of so much money every winter.  She begins to scrape out it's insides, packaging it neatly for disposal.  She tucks it away for the hazardous waste day special transit out of her kingdom. She knows, there is only one thing left to do.

They get the sticks...

They get the matches...

Weenie anyone?